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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.